I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to decide if to pen this post, or if to wait until I was in a better frame of mind to participate in the Wicked Wednesday meme. It is, after all, supposed to be about something sexy……well, there’s nothing sexy about what is on my mind right now.
But maybe it’s time to stop trying to pretend the negativity doesn’t exist, and, even if I’m not necessarily able to counter the darkness, I can atleast acknowledge it’s existence, recognise that I have these moments of all consuming doom and gloom.
Maybe that’s the first step to breaking the cycle, the addiction.
See, I quite like the dark, crave it even….my sexual fantasies reside very much on the darker side, and I can isolate myself in a heartbeat in order to ‘suffer’ the pain, wrap it around myself like a fucked up comfort blanket, cut myself off from the world and enjoy(yes, enjoy) the distress.
It’s the fear of vulnerability that keeps me locked in my dark little room, metaphorical curtains drawn, all sources of light banished, a stark refusal to burden anyone else with my worries.
Giving voice to the addiction may just help me stop going so deep, allow myself to feel something positive as opposed to only focussing on the negative, actually believe that I am worthy of the good stuff too.
One thing of which I am certain though.
I never make things easy for myself.
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