I was reading Dauntless Vitality’s blog this morning and came across this post detailing  The Daylight Project by Maroon 5. I hadn’t come across this before, and was intrigued by it, so sat and watched the video through sleep deprived eyes over a cup of tea. It was rather moving to see people sharing little parts of themselves through video messages, and with that in mind I thought I’d write down a few things based upon some of the themes which crop up during the video. I encourage you, though, to watch the video first before reading on, because otherwise my words may make even less sense than they usually do!

So, here goes……..

Love :- What do I love? I love being part of a ‘we’ rather than simply being an ‘I’. There’s so much to be enjoyed within the realms of that tiny 2 letter word, so much to smile about, wrap myself up in, and pull round me like a comfort blanket. I find solace there, when I need it, and calm when the world around me is going batshit. I have to be honest though…….I don’t always feel completely secure there, although that stems from personal perceptions and insecurities rather than a problem with the ‘we’. On down days, I pull the ‘we’ apart, convince myself it’s simply an illusion, prod it and poke it to find cracks in the brickwork, to make cracks appear in my minds eye, then allow those cracks to morph into yawning chasms which threaten to pull me down into them.
Today is one of those days, and I feel like I’m staring down into the abyss, deciding whether or not to jump…….I wouldn’t be me unless I tried to sabotage myself every now and again *sigh*.

Hate :- Hate is such a malevolent emotion that it doesn’t feature too heavily in my day to day life, or my thoughts. I don’t like how much energy it needs to maintain it, how it has the ability to take things and pervert or destroy them. I have hated in the past, and still hold onto a small part of that, although it rarely comes to the fore, and I let go, a little at a time, as the memories fade.
There are aspects of myself I despise, such as the ability to turn positives into negatives, and to see the negatives as my truth. Maybe one day I’ll be able to reverse that trend, and look more for the good than the (perceived) bad.

Perfection :- Perfection is an illusion, completely unattainable, and should never be strived for. There is beauty to be found in our flaws, they make us into the unique individuals that we are, and it’s these flaws which we should celebrate, rather than mock and single each other out because of them. Who the fuck wants to be perfect anyway?……what a crock of shit!

Death/loss :- These are things I do not cope very well with, preferring to bury the resultant emotions in a dark, dusty corner somewhere until I feel able to deal with them. I have the ability to completely disregard the feelings which would ordinarily surface when faced with these situations, and have been called cold on the back of that. In truth, I’m anything but cold, I just can’t handle such extremes of emotion without breaking down completely…dealing with them in smaller chunks is just my way of surviving.

Fitting in :- I’ve never really fitted in, no matter where I was or what I was doing. As I’ve got older, this is something that hasn’t changed, due in no small part to a rather dominant stubborn streak and a refusal to comply with the hive mind or tow the party line. I accept that it is a large part of human nature to want to fit in, but I feel that it should never be an expectation. Really, we all want to be liked and accepted, but when the price we pay for that is compromising ourselves, and losing ourselves amongst the masses, it is, for me, a step too far. I won’t be told what to say, think, or feel, I won’t be pigeon-holed just so someone can slap a label on me and put me in a neat little box with others of my kind. Fuck that. If the price I pay for wishing to express and maintain my status as an individual is perpetually being on the outside, then so be it. I don’t need to fit in in order to justify my existence.

Regrets :- Of these, I have many. Some I have managed to let go of and learn from, some still haunt me, and probably always will. The tendency is for me to use these as a reason not to look forward, that somehow because X happened, I do not deserve to be happy. I therefore look for the problems, and wallow in the negative emotions because I feel that somehow that is my fate. I don’t believe there are many people who can say they don’t have regrets, who can say they have lived a blameless life……with this is mind, I need to stop being such a fucking martyr, and live life rather than turning my shame into more than it needs to be.

Music :- Obviously, The Daylight Project is essentially a music video, albeit a delightfully unique and wonderfully creative one, so it would be somewhat disingenuous not to acknowledge the huge role music plays in my life. I’ve always been drawn to it, always been fascinated by it, loving the freedom of expression it inspires. Music can arouse feelings of passion, it can excite and galvanise, or it can induce feelings of calm and serenity. Generally speaking, there’s not a day goes by when I don’t listen to it……..I use it when I’m feeling low to dig myself out of the rut I’ve fallen into, I sing along to it when I’m happy, and it makes me even happier to do so. Music is a passion I have passed onto my children(even though one of them is tone deaf!), and it is something I hope they derive as much pleasure from as I do. I love music in all it’s seductively diverse forms……from Enya, to Nirvana to Johnny Cash, my musical tastes are wide and varied. I hate a quiet house, and will break up the silence with whatever artist takes my fancy at the time. To that end, and to finish off this post, I’m going to share one of my all time favourite songs. I always get goose bumps listening to this, and it never fails to lift me from a dark mood.