This weeks theme is nerves :-
What makes you nervous? Are it only bad things that tend to get your nervous or do you also get nervous when you know something nice is about to happen? Do you feel nervous when you have to go to work after a weekend or a holiday/vacation? Do upcoming sexy encounters make you nervous, like when you meet new people or maybe you even get nervous when you meet people you have met many times before? How do nerves affect you? Does it make you grumpy or jumpy or do you tend to be very talkative or maybe very quiet? How do you cope with nervousness?
Here is my take on the theme.
I won’t lie, this week, well, more than a week, has been horrific. I cannot shake off the low I’ve fallen victim to. My mind is not my own, my thoughts distorted, feelings and emotions I can normally cope with, greatly accentuated.
The most significant repercussion of this has been a feeling of disconnection from Sir. To a large degree I perpetuated this myself by withdrawing, which only serves to amplify the negativity surrounding the issue. I try not to let it effect how I interact with him, but even a blind man could see there’s a problem.
My rational self knows that give it a week or two and I’ll be back to my usual loud, brattish self, but for now I am subdued, rationality has disappeared and in it’s place a far uglier thing lurks. I want to tell him just how bad I feel, how much I miss him, how much I’m looking forward to seeing him at the weekend, but I can’t. I don’t want to appear clingy, needy, or look like I’m unable to cope on my own, so I flee in the opposite direction. I withhold that information, I make myself cope, make myself communicate but on a far more basic level, hoping that the mask is enough to conceal the pain that lies beneath.
Thinking ahead to the weekend, and now the nerves are kicking in. I love spending time with this man, one could quite happily get lost in his embrace, but I have a feeling that this time I’m going to be overwhelmed. Nervousness usually makes me jabber on incessantly until it settles, but that is a different type of nervousness….it’s playful and full of anticipation and silliness.
This is a little different. This is a nervousness born of a fear of being vulnerable in such a way that the nerves take over, and I don’t like it, don’t like how it’s making me feel.
The likelihood is all will be fine. I’ll hold onto him until the nerves have all but disappeared, and all will be as it usually is. That is my hope anyway. My fear is that the anxiety I’ve been holding onto will take over, the tears will flow and I’ll be a clingy, neurotic mess. Infact that isn’t just a fear, it’s my worst nightmare.
I *am* looking forward to seeing him again, I always hear his car, or rather the damn stereo in said car, before he appears, and the butterflies start fluttering in my tummy. They are good nerves. I quite enjoy those, in a perverse kind of way.
The nerves I have now are not good, and they’re serving only to make me feel even more tightly wound than I already am. I need the clouds to lift, I need there to be some light to balance the shade. Most of all, though, I just need him.
To see who else is playing along and sharing their stories this week, click on the link below.