One is feeling a little bit off today. Well, has been feeling a little bit off for the past couple of days really.
What I call a sharing hangover. By that I mean, writing something, or expressing something which gives a deeper insight into either my mind, thoughts and/or emotions. Whilst it’s much easier for me to do this these days, I still struggle with the aftermath. Laying oneself open to scrutiny is always a tricky business and I’m often left wondering if I’ve shared too much, if what I wanted to say was said, if what I needed to say was liberated from the fragile cage of my mind.
I’m often left feeling empty after such an endeavour, suddenly bereft having purged my soul of whatever it was that was desperate to be released, and oddly, resentful too. This is something that still baffles me, I don’t understand why resentment would be a legitimate reaction, and therefore from resentment comes frustration. In times like these I find myself pulling away from the situation, needing space and time to work through fluctuating emotions, wanting to push people away, purposefully isolating myself.
I see the collar which hangs on a rail above my bed, and I’m filled with conflicting emotion. I do NOT want it round my neck, do NOT want it there in plain sight to remind me of what I’m feeling, yet, in situations like this, it’s probably when I need it the most. It’s a reminder of the choices I’ve willingly made, it represents my connection to Him, the weight and feel of it round my neck a comfort when all I want to do is flee, and it’s a visual expression of my submission, even though(as I only wear it for bed) it’s only me who sees it.
That same collar represents balance in my life…..it’s with pride that I wear it, even if I don’t always want to acknowledge it’s significance, and so I reach for it, and place it around my neck. Now, with it in place, I can face what I’m feeling, both good and bad, without fearing it, even if I have spent the last 10 minutes stubbornly refusing in an almost comedic fashion to put the collar on in the first place.
I really am a silly Flutterby sometimes!