This post has been sitting in my head for a few weeks now, omnipresent, oppressive, distracting, making it impossible to focus on other things which have needed my attention. Anyway, here it is…..
One has not always played on the s side of the D/s equation. Infact one’s journey into the world of BDSM was as the D, a fact very few know. Being brutally honest, it was never something that sat very well with me, but, when two intrinsically submissive people form a relationship, somebody has to take the lead. That someone was me….a role perversely forced upon me by circumstance. I did, for a short while, have fun with the role, but, in my mind it was nothing more than roleplay, and memories will always be tainted by the knowledge of what happened from there on in, how things changed so dramatically and took such a sinister turn.
Firstly, kink was always my thing, even when I was too young/inexperienced to understand exactly what it was and what it meant for me, it was always there, sometimes nothing more than a glimmer in my peripheral vision, at others the vision was bright and fierce in it’s clarity.
Secondly, responsibility(guilt) was always given to me to shoulder for having introduced it into the relationship. It was always(pointed out) that it was what I wanted, therefore it was up to me to deal with any(the) consequences.
Had I had the luxury of foresight, I’d have seen what was going to happen(what was happening), and got the fuck out, but almost imperceptibly, the role reversal had begun, and my submissive nature kept me there(was taken advantage of), consent was removed as an option, and years of abuse began.
Insecurity(his) facilitated the changes….he found the notion of his submissive side repulsive, he felt he needed to reclaim his masculinity, and I suppose one could say he was fuelled by jealousy too, in a way….it was in his nature to be like that, he always wanted what others had, and at that time, I had the lead role, and he decided he wanted it for himself. And he took it, by way of force, threats and manipulation, using my crippling lack of self confidence against me, tricking my mind into telling me that, without him, I was useless, worthless, unattractive to anyone else, and of no value as a human being. I believed it too *sigh*.
Fear and intimidation became his currency, my world darkened, and I lost 7 years of my life which I can never reclaim as my own. I used to go to bed wearing many layers of clothing in the vain hope he’d see it as more trouble than it was worth to bother me for sex, but I guess one should never underestimate the vile motivations of a rapist….did I mention that the notion of consent was not something I was ever afforded access to? Justification for the instances of rape was given in the form of the ‘L’ word(I did it because I love you)…..it makes me feel sick to think of it now.
I think it needs to be pointed out that what we had, during those years, was NOT D/s. It was just a.n.other abusive relationship, nothing more or less than that. I was NOT in a submissive role, and he sure as fuck wasn’t dominant.
Fast forward to today, and I have found a man whose presence in my life has made alot of the bad stuff fade into the background and become insignificant. I don’t need saving, or healing, or putting back together, but I do need to hear the rattle of the chains which occurs when I(occasionally) push at the boundaries He places around me. He doesn’t need to raise His voice, or use threats to keep me in my place. I want to be there, I am comfortably happy there. D/s, real, actual, glorious D/s has given me more freedom to be myself than I’ve ever had before.