And I’m still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
‘Cause I can’t hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
I must have written this post 100 times in my head since the challenge began, each version different from the one before, each one abandoned half way, so many words released into the atmosphere for fear of revealing too much. Or not getting it right, or not being able to convey what I feel when I hear this song, and think of the wonderful man I have in my life.
That last line quoted above is one that encapsulates all my fears in a few words, the sentiment one which haunts me day in, day out. Sometimes, when I listen to this song, I have to turn it off before it gets to that point because I feel suddenly overwhelmed, thinking how long will it be before my novelty wears off….how long will it be before He walks away.
When He spends weekends here, and we lie together in bed, His arms wrapped around me, I try to take everything in.
I run my fingers along His arm to remember what His skin feels like under my touch, how strong they feel as He holds me close.
I press myself against Him to remind myself what His body feels like next to mine, how He radiates warmth, and comfort, and protection.
I commit to memory the way the hair on His chest tickles my nose, and how calming it is to listen to the steady thump of his heart beating.
I hold onto Him in those moments so that I might enjoy them one last time, and because I cannot face the thought of letting Him go.
I catch myself looking at Him sometimes, this man who exudes confidence, who can make my heart stop with a single glance, who can make the butterflies in my stomach go into a frenzy with a single touch, this man who gives me so much. I look at Him, and feelings of unworthiness magnify all my flaws, discrepancies and quirks in personality and attitude that drive people to the point of distraction, and I think what can I possibly give Him in return?
I fear the next pretty girl that catches His eye, that she’ll be able to captivate Him in ways I can’t.
I fear holding on too tight incase it smothers Him and He feels the need to break free.
I fear the evening when He goes home, because I always convince myself that He won’t be coming back.
Most of all I fear the depth and magnitude of love I have for Him in case it’s too much….in case it’s just not enough, incase I am simply just not enough.