….without direction, the rudder on my little boat defective.
I want to make Him feel better, remove that troubled expression from His face, wrap myself around Him and just take it all away.
Instead I feel useless, no wind with which to power my sails, adrift on a turbulent ocean with no sign of land on the horizon.
I’d gladly bear His pain myself, take it from Him and make it my own, suffer for Him if only to remove the frown from His face.
I’d kneel at His feet, head bowed, eyes lowered, offer up my body as a vessel to channel His suffering, be his catharsis as He fed me His pain.
I feel guilty for not being able to be of any use, guilty for feeling and suffering my own pain, for having that too cloud my mind. I bear my own pain without complaint for fear of making His worse…..He worries about me, I know.
I don’t want that for Him today.
I want to see that smile on His face, utterly wicked and full of mischief.
I want to hear that laugh that never fails to make *me* laugh, that rich, deep guffaw which I adore.
I want Him to sleep, to be free of that pain, and to awake refreshed, pain gone, the furrows on His brow smoothed away.
I want to hold Him whilst He sleeps, provide comfort in the only way I can, except He can’t sleep, the pain is keeping Him awake.
I just want to make it go away, but I don’t know how.
I’m drifting, useless, rudder defective, flailing in darkness on that turbulent ocean, desperately searching for land on the horizon.