Alanis Morissette ~ Purgatorying
And keep me in this state
And keep me purgatorying
And sing me back to sleep
This is far more than I had bargained for
I asked to see His evil, I asked Him to show me how far He was prepared to go, how deep the chasm of His sadism extends. I wished to get lost in it, fall down, to bleed, as I stumble, drunk, in His treacherous dark.
The sting of the slap reverberated thunderously against the gossamer thin walls of my mind, unpicking each narrow strand of bravado woven meticulously through the weightless fabric.
My response, immediate, emotional, the brat coming to the fore.
punctuated with a defiant glare.
I see it on his face as I stare at him through my tear-smeared eyes.
A curdled blend of annoyance and incredulous amusement.
I’m in no position to bargain here, His dominance is exacting, His hand at my throat, yet still I push.
Against boundaries, against Him, struggling with tired emotions inadvertently churned up from the unkempt silty bed of my core.
I’m fighting anger, at Him, for allowing me to stumble upon this scene blind, for making me take that journey alone.
I’m fighting anger, at myself, for actively encouraging my demons to feast and grow fat and stubborn upon my insecurities.
I lament that I failed Him by dispossessing Him of my trust.
He demands I look at Him, but I cannot meet his gaze.
Shame prevents it, and holds me, despairing, at arm’s length out of His reach.
Reiteration, another slap, and the bravado stained fabric begins to tear, the unmistakable scream of facade as it’s forced to yield.
My mind is altered by adrenalin fuelled fear, and I do everything I can to prevent Him from seeing.
My eyes would betray me to tell my story, sorrow bearing the burden of that truth.
The path I took to get here was of my choosing, so mine is not to complain at the pain I felt along the way.
Humbled, I submit, as the tattered remnants of warp and weft fall heavily to the floor,
not only to Him,
but to the savage uncompromising truth that I got it, got Him, so terribly wrong.