Confusion,
reason for.
Alexithymia,
or something, maybe.

*thought*
I was nothing before, and I was nothing after, even with a contextual change.
*/thought*

I find myself backward glancing and apply the now to then, and feel the pain as if context were the same.

*thought, mind map*
I felt nothing,
I wasn’t even numb.
To be numb is to be something.
And I, I was nothing.
I held no significance to anyone.
Not before,
Him
not after,
I met Him
even with contextual change.
*/thought, mind map*

But it’s not fair to fire barbed words when applying the contextual rules to the then as I do to the now.
No, scrap that, no words, either barbed or otherwise, were fired.

 I recollect at my leisure

Nope, that’s not it.

I recollect after prompting,
but prompting is the wrong word too.
sigh
It implies being lead, it implies a degree of manipulation, and that is not how it was, how it is…I simply recollect after being lead, but the leading wasn’t intended to induce recollection, if it was leading at all.

Frustration

I wasn’t lead to where I am now, so none of the above applies.
Maybe.

Disjointed.

I look back, we look back, because we’ve never looked back together. Memories…
*sigh*
Do you remember when?
Do you remember what?
Do you remember how it felt?

Head shaking mentally,
warning signs flashing.

Physically nodding.
I remember….

But I don’t want to.
Except I do, but not in that context.
Not in the context of nothing.
Not in the context of being nothing.

One example…
I read that post again and again, and wonder, at that point, was I still nothing?
Was it just a game still, at that point?

My mind will not let me move past that memory.
It clings to it.
Emotion overwhelms
That night holds so much significance for me, it was the first time…

<break>

and now I find I cannot continue.
Mind places roadblock signs, diversions created, because emotion overwhelms and words become
lost
faded
transparent

No, I was on target with faded

<rephrase>

Emotion overwhelms and words fade into the ether, beyond my reach, leaving a void into which I pour all my retrospective daydreams,
which at the time I denied myself,
all my I wonder what it would be like if’s,
that I threw over the edge into my mental canyon knowing they’d break into a million pieces on impact even before they took form in my mind.

The pain
mind says why pain?
of the recollection of that night is, right now, acutely felt.
Memories fond are tucked away to be examined another day.
In the here and now I’m stuck, my stupid fucking mind is stuck and can’t move past that point.

It’s seeing everything before, particularly an event almost immediately before, and it’s analysing it, turning it over time and time and time and time and time….

<stop>

*mind map v2 created*
Was I nothing the first time I called Him ‘Sir’? –
I told Him I’d never do it, I’d never give to Him to that extent. –
Was utterance of ‘Sir’ just a game to amuse? –
I was protecting myself from being one of many. –
At what point was I a something? –
At what point was I a singular entity? –
At what point, for Him, was there the context of us? –
And the answer to that is a lot further down the line than I wish to acknowledge.
*force quit mind map*



<mind cursor blinks, awaiting instruction>

All this searching for the right words, searching for terms to explain, searching so that comprehension is found so I don’t have to attempt to explain again leads to one simple, hard to stomach fact.

It hurts that I was nothing, in retrospective context, even though it shouldn’t.

<mental shutdown>

-cursor blink
-cursor blink
-cursor blink