I originally posted the following on Twitter as I sat and thought about the journey Sir and I have taken to get us to this point. Once I’d finished I realised it may have been better as a blog post, so here it is!
As of October I’ll have known Sir 5 years. From casual fuckbuddies to a sometimes turbulent but no less wonderful D/s, Sir &pet relationship.
It really is a relationship that should never have been. It was something neither of us envisioned. A most unlikely union. But it works.
I never thought I’d hear the words ‘I love you’ fall from his lips. Hearing them now still gives me the butterflies in tummy feeling.
We both had doubts, we both had to be brave. We knew we were risking a lot, emotionally, by even tentatively approaching a relationship.
He had(still has) an aura which renders me powerless against him. It terrified me at first, and still makes me nervous on occasion.
He became the dream I knew was never going to be more than that, so I put the dream aside and vowed not to fall for him.
I told myself never to look past the last visit, the last fuck, I always looked at it as the last chance to spend time with him.
I never dared look past that point for fear of losing both mind and heart to a man I could never have as anything but a fleeting apparition.
I tried to walk away but couldn’t. I tried to burn the bridge, then panicked as I watched the boards ignite.
We both got burnt putting that fire out. It was the first time I gave any hint as to how I felt about him. More panic, lots of tears.
I remember his words.. I am going to hurt you, but I’m not going to hurt you. I had to trust he would honour that.
Trust is such a fractious beast, sometimes frivolous, oft guarded, always unpredictable.
I gave him my body to hurt and to fuck, but never more than that, until it became impossible to defend myself against how I felt.
I had to acknowledge that I did feel, if I was going to have any chance of keeping him in my life.
I couldn’t have gone back to just being an acquaintance. I’d have had to cut all ties in order to move on.
But it’s so very cold on the other side of him, and I needed his warmth.
Need. Him. I even wrote those words down on a scrap piece of paper because my mind kept trying to erase them.
We are useless communicators, there’s no denying that fact, but D/s gave us a way to create open dialogue at our own pace.
We became comfortable with being uncomfortable, we understood the toll it took on the other to be free with emotion & expressing it.
Empathy for the other gave us common ground.
If either of us fucked up, we knew that fear, not malice, was the reason behind it.
And we have fucked up on occasion, hurting the other along the way. Causing him hurt is my only regret on this journey.
I can smile now, looking back. But the myriad emotions experienced from there to here sometimes echo in the corridors of my mind.
Frost will always coat some memories, molten ash others. But each time I kneel, I understand that it was worth it.